


14 Ways

by jamesgatz1925



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, Feelings, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-22 16:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17666483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesgatz1925/pseuds/jamesgatz1925
Summary: 14 ways to tells someone you love them.A Valentine countdown. Kind of.





	1. “Let me know if you need anything.”

 

It was a long night. Long night, long week, long case, long yawns between pages and pages of depositions, statements, and evidence. The squad was fading fast. Liv and Rollins excused themselves not long after each other to get their kids to bed, which Rafael understood. Combing through paperwork would get done one way or another, and he would’ve preferred attentive detectives over worrying mothers.

 

A while after the two women left, Fin bid his goodnight, and Rafael couldn’t blame him either. Sure, Rafael was tired, but he hadn’t been out all week gathering said evidence and various other paperworks. Fin had paid his dues, and Rafael wasn’t too upset when Fin looked almost too tired to get home.

 

It just left himself and Carisi, late in the evening with cold coffee and a concentrated silence through the office. At least it wasn’t an awkward silence, not anymore. Not since he learned pretty much all he could about Carisi on a personal level, since the beginning when Carisi just needed every aspect of his life to be known. Now, Rafael will ask out of pure politeness how his family is, since clearly their presence in Carisi’s life was that important. He’s sure Carisi would ask about his family too if Rafael had ever wanted it to be clear that asking was even okay.

 

Now they are peaceful, and it was nice. Carisi had calmed down a lot in their time working together, and his company was actually welcomed by Rafael. Rafael used to hate when Carisi would be the last to stay, he would hate when Carisi would jump to be the first to help. But now Carisi gave a nonchalant, “I’ll do it,” or “I’ll help.” And Rafael didn’t roll his eyes as often.

 

Carisi let out a deep, loud yawn that snapped Rafael out of the paragraph he was reading.

 

“You can put more coffee on if you want,” Rafael commented at the end of Carisi’s wildly long yawn.

 

Carisi checked his watch. “Jesus, it’s almost midnight. Nah, I better not. I have a test tomorrow morning and I gotta get at least a few hours of sleep.”

 

“What time is your test?”

 

“Well, it’s online, and I’m gonna do it before work, so, like five.”

 

Rafael stared at him. “Carisi, what the fuck?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Go home! Get some rest!”

 

Carisi scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I probably should, actually. You don’t mind?”

 

“Yeah, actually I want you to stay until every bit of this paperwork is gone through. Just you. Everyone else was allowed to go.”

 

Carisi chuckled. “I’m serious. I’ll stay if you need—“

 

“Carisi, go. It’s fine. I’m probably going to head home soon, too.”

 

Carisi nodded. He stood wobbly from his seat and pulled his suit jacket on, then his coat and scarf.

 

“Thanks, Barba.”

 

“No need to thank me, Detective. I’m not your boss. And god knows your boss left, like, three hours ago.”

 

Carisi chuckled again. Before he hit the door, he added, “You’ll let me know if you need anything, right?”

 

“I always do,” Rafael said, and boy wasn’t that honest? He knew he could count on Carisi, always, no matter what. He knew Carisi would stay if he asked the younger man to.

 

Carisi gave a small smile. “See you tomorrow.”

 

“Let me know how your test goes.”

 

“I always do,” Carisi replied, then swept out of the door with nothing more.

 

Huh, Rafael though, feeling suddenly lonely in the room. It was surprising how wonderful a silence was when it was filled by someone else’s presence in the room.


	2. “I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few weeks later.

Carisi had been nagging Rafael for days to look over the most recent paper he’d written for school. 

 

Well, not so much ‘nagged’, but more like mentioned a few times that he’d like for Rafael to do him the favor.

 

And not so much ‘mentioned’. More like asked nicely.

 

Rafael knew it wasn’t that big a deal, it’s not like Rafael owed him money or something, but Carisi had a way with being persistent without being annoying. Rafael did take note every time Carisi asked offhandedly, but he kept telling Carisi he was busy.

 

Rafael didn’t know why, but he didn’t want to get involved in Carisi’s schooling. He didn’t want to interfere, or say the wrong thing, or mess something up for Carisi. He just didn’t exactly know how to help.

 

Of course, doing as Carisi asked and looking over a paper was a good way to start helping.

 

He wasn’t helpful, not naturally. Not usually. He didn’t offer help, he didn’t want to help, but it didn’t stop Carisi from asking.

 

And sometimes, what got Rafael, was how Carisi asked.

 

“Hey counselor, can you help me out?”

 

“If you got a chance later...”

 

“There’s this paper I wrote...”

 

Rafael assumed Carisi would stop asking eventually, when he turned the paper in, but Carisi didn’t let up for weeks. He must have written the damn thing as soon as it was assigned.

 

Finally, Rafael had the last bit of patience with Carisi asking.

 

“Hey, before I go,” Carisi said, and Rafael’s blood turned, knowing what Carisi was going to ask. “I still have that paper if maybe you could—“

 

Rafael snapped. “Carisi, dios mio! Why is it so important to you that I look over your goddamn paper?”

 

“Because I trust you,” Carisi said simply. “Because I value your opinion and I know you’re the one person who won’t fuck me over with advice.”

 

Rafael blinked at him, unable to think of anything to say. He thought Carisi was just a kiss ass, maybe trying to act like Rafael had expertise to make him think more of Carisi.

 

“Well,” Rafael said. All he could say.

 

Carisi shrugged. “But, uh, it’s cool. I know you’re busy. You don’t have to—“

 

Rafael stopped him. “No, I...I appreciate your honesty, thank you.”

 

“Don’t gotta thank me, Counselor. I should thank you. I value your opinion a lot more than most people’s.”

 

The confession continued to shock Rafael. He didn’t have people. He didn’t have friends. He had Liv. He didn’t have anyone else who trusted him. Nobody trusted him. A lawyer.

 

“I’ll look it over,” Rafael said, then lightened the mood with a joke. “I’ll use a red pen for grammatical or spelling mistakes.”

 

Carisi grinned. Then he practically purred, “Ooh, red pen? Can I call you Professor Barba?”

 

Rafael’s cheeks heated up with Carisi’s joke.

 

Carisi laughed. “Sorry, Lord forgive me. I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

Rafael let out a small laugh. “It’s...alright.”

 

Carisi smiled. “Anyway, I can email it over.”

 

“Alright,” Rafael finally agreed, beaming with the pride of just being asked because he’s trusted. He avoided Carisi’s gaze and pretended to busy himself with his phone.

 

“And uh, you can print it and use that red pen. If you want.”

 

Rafael glanced up at Carisi. Carisi freakin’ winked. Rafael’s cheeks heated up again. In fact, every part of him seemed to heat up.

 

“See ya,” Carisi said while Rafael was trying to hear over the blood rushing in his ears. He didn’t offer a goodbye before Carisi ducked out of the room.

 

Rafael shook his head. Carisi was odd. That was it. He was odd.


	3. “I heard you were sick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few weeks later.

Sonny had a strange obsession. Maybe it wasn’t an obsession, but it was at least an obsessive need. It was like a strange super power, his spidey-senses would tingle when any particular words were uttered. 

 

Sonny needed to take care of people.

 

Ever since he was young, this desire to be helpful was gigantic. He learned as a kid how to show this. He took care of his older sisters by being a wildly protective brother. He took care of Bella by doing pretty much everything for her in order to help his parents. He took care of his mother by doing everything his father would do (like kissing her cheek when she looked worried), and he took care of his father by learning how to make the perfect cup of coffee.

 

Sonny had always just been the best brother, son, grandson, and later uncle, boyfriend, and coworker. He was known for the titles.

 

Sometimes it was so bad that he was unable to say no. He couldn’t stop himself from offering to help. He couldn’t step back and let someone else handle it. He had to be the one to go out of his way to take care of others.

 

This is why, when he heard that Barba was fighting a terrible flu, he took it upon himself to take notes of every squad meeting Barba didn’t make it to, gather all the paperwork Barba would need himself, and even fraction out time to make Barba chicken noodle soup.

 

From scratch.

 

Sonny didn’t know why he did it. Barba didn’t ask him to do any of those things. Fortunately, Sonny convinced himself not to run errands for the man or stop by his office to make sure Carmen didn’t need anything in Barbra’s absence.

 

But he knew it was all for Barba. Sure, he took care of Rollins and Benson, even Fin. But upon hearing that Barba was sick, Sonny had wished he would’ve been more proactive in taking care of Barba, maybe prevented Barba from getting sick in the first place.

 

Before he could convince himself that he was being stupid and unnecessary, he rushed the soup over to Barba’s while it was still warm. It was packed nicely in a container, which he carried in a little lunch bag, which was in his school backpack with the notes and case things he’d gathered for Barba, and his homework that he was hoping he could distract Barba from his illness with. Ever since Barba went over one of his papers, Sonny had wanted Barba’s opinion on every little assignment, even his definitions and terms flashcards.

 

Sonny got to Barba’s building and buzzed to be let up. It took a few minutes for Barba’s familiar voice to come over the intercom.

 

“Hello?” Barba asked, sniffling.

 

“Hey, it’s Carisi,” then he added, “Sonny.”

 

“Oh, that Carisi? I was confused for a second.”

 

Sonny chuckled.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I heard you were sick.”

 

Barba took a second to reply, surely confused because that didn’t offer any explanation as to why Carisi was at his house.

 

“And you...” he finally replied, “Came to put me out of my misery?”

 

Sonny laughed. “No, I brought soup. Although, if that puts you out of your misery, my ma’s got a lot of explaining to do about the recipe.”

 

Sonny head Barba chuckle once, then the buzzer sounded and the front door to the building opened.

 

Sonny had only been to Barba’s apartment once, and it was a brief encounter when Sonny had to deliver a file for the Lieu. Still, it was as though he knew the way by heart, as if he’d done it a million times before.

 

Sonny thought he could get to Barba that easily no matter where Barba was.

 

He banged on Barba’s door and waited only seconds for the lock to click and the door to swing open.

 

“You look like shit,” Sonny automatically said, noting the deep purple circles under Barba’s eyes and pale tone to his skin.

 

Barba shut the door just as quickly.

 

Sonny laughed. “Come on!”

 

Barba opened the door again. “Only for soup.”

 

Sonny dropped his backpack from his shoulder and unzipped it, then pulled out the lunch bag.

 

Barba eyed him. “What else do you have in there?”

 

“Let me in and I’ll show you.”

 

Barba’s eyes slit suspiciously even more. “Show me first.”

 

Sonny raised his hand defensively. “It’s not like I got a search warrant in here!”

 

Barba glared for a moment, then stepped aside. Sonny happily entered the apartment.

 

Sonny liked Barba’s apartment. It was homey. Not to him, particularly, it’s not like he entirely felt at home there. He’d only been there once before. But it had a good feeling to it. It wasn’t the minimalist bachelor pad he’d half expected of Barba. It was bright, with a lot of natural light, a splash of light blue paint on one side of the open living room, and for the first time, Sonny saw a well used kitchen that not even he could brag about in his own home.

 

Sonny took the soup container out of the lunch bag and handed it to Barba. “It’s chicken noodle,” he said. “With some vegetables.”

 

Barba half grimaced.

 

Sonny chuckled. “You need vegetables.”

 

“Sure, Popeye,” Barba said, turning his back to reheat the soup on the stove.

 

“What?” Sonny asked, confused.

 

“Popeye. Popeye the Sailor,” Barba said pet his shoulder. “Come on, you’re not that young.”

 

“Oh, maybe my grandma mentioned him once or twice.”

 

Barba didn’t turn to Sonny. All he muttered was, “You know where the door is, Carisi.”

 

Sonny laughed. “Alright, alright. But really, you gotta eat vegetables. I was gonna bring some O.J., but chicken noodle and O.J. don’t mix.”

 

“That’s alright, I’m not a fan of orange juice anyway.”

 

“No?”

 

“Not unless it’s got vodka or champagne in it.”

 

“Should’ve known you were a champagne guy, Barba.”

 

“Don’t forget the vodka.”

 

Sonny smiled. He loved joking with Barba.

 

They were silent as Barba finished warming up the soup and Sonny took the notes and other papers out of his bag. Finally, Barba poured his soup into a bowl and returned to Sonny. 

 

“Want some?” he asked.

 

Sonny shook his head. “Nah, I hate vegetables.”

 

Barba sighed. “Dios mio.”

 

Sonny smiled wider.

 

Barba tried not to smile, Sonny could tell. Instead, he busied his lips by blowing on a steaming spoonful of soup. Simultaneously, he nodded at the pile Sonny had in front of him. “What’s all that?” he asked.

 

“I took notes of the last few meetings you’ve been unable to attend. Plus some paperwork you may need.”

 

“And none of this could be taken to my office because...”

 

“Because the soup wouldn’t have stayed while you were out.”

 

“Oh my god, Carisi,” Barba said, but he let out a chuckle anyway.

 

“It kinda has to get eaten, Barba. That’s the point.”

 

Barba rolled his eyes. “Alright, well, I appreciate that stuff, but I’d rather not think about work right now. Got anything else in that bag of tricks?”

 

Sonny pulled out a textbook. “Homework.”

 

“Crack it open.”

 

Sonny smiled as he opened the book to the page he needed.

 

Over the next hour, Barba helped himself to more soup and moved to sit next to Sonny. Barba overlooked all of Sonny’s answers, they discussed and even debated some answers, and Sonny managed to finish half of an assignment between their chatting and laughing.

 

Sonny enjoyed it. He felt comfortable. He always felt comfortable when Barba was laughing.

 

But finally, Barba yawned loudly and rubbed his head.

 

“Listen Carisi, my headache’s coming back. I hate to be rude, but—“

 

“Hey no, I just showed up. I shouldn’t have stayed. Of course you want to rest.” Sonny quickly packed up his books.

 

“It’s not that I wouldn’t want to continue...this.”

 

“Maybe we can,” Sonny said, avoiding eye contact by stacking and restocking his books to shove into his backpack.

 

“Yeah,” Barba said. “Without the flu involved.”

 

“Oh, yeah, for sure.”

 

Barba led Sonny to the door.

 

“Get well, Barba.”

 

“I’m already feeling better.”

 

Sonny smiled at him. Barba smiled back.

 

“Well,” Sonny said, “Bye.”

 

“Bye,” Barba replied, then Sonny opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.

 

Sonny left wishing there was more to say, more to do, than just offer an awkward ‘bye’.


	4. “You’re funny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few weeks later.

The case was over. It was beyond tough. Everyone just wanted to let go and return to their normal lives, and everyone could, except Barba. Sonny often felt bad for Barba after a tricky case. Sure, all of them could dwell and wish they’d found more evidence, more witnesses, helped more, but Barba was the one who was blamed publicly for ‘letting’ someone off. Sonny felt bad that the poor guy was left answering to it all. He felt bad that Barba was the one who blamed himself. 

 

Everyone was getting ready to go home after the tough day. It was still early, so Benson and Rollins we’re discussing their excitement about getting to have dinner with their kids. Fin was saying he was going to have brunch with his son the following day, since tonight would be an early one.

 

Even Sonny had plans to get a good night’s rest before his niece’s soccer game he promised to be at in the morning. Everyone had a plan, or something to go home to and wake up for; everyone, except Barba.

 

He stood abruptly from the conference table and grabbed his coat. He was clearly upset, Sonny could tell, and he totally felt for the man. Everyone was moving on, discussing exciting plans, and Barba was still wallowing over the events of the day. Sonny wished he could get everyone to shut up, but of course he couldn’t.

 

Instead of a goodbye, Barba said, “I’m going to Forlini’s. Invite yourself.” Then he walked out of the room and headed for the elevator.

 

Once he was out of earshot, Rollins muttered, “What’s up with him?”

 

Sonny rolled his eyes. “The fuck do you mean, what’s up with him? He’s pretty upset and you’re all just...” Sonny shook his head, knowing he wouldn’t hear the end of it if he began defending Barba and getting mad at the squad. “Never mind.”

 

Rollins barely held back an eye roll at Sonny as she left the room. Fin got up quietly and followed after her. Sonny remained, silently fuming, as Benson crossed his path.

 

“You know, usually I would keep him company, but...”

 

Sonny looked at her.

 

Benson lifted an eyebrow, giving him a knowing look. Sonny knew that she knew. She knew it all along, before Sonny even did. Of course Sonny had feelings for Barba. It was obvious from the start, it just took Sonny a long time to catch up.

 

Well, now he was caught up, and the thought of leaving Barba to sit alone at a bar and be sad and mad at himself made Sonny physically ache. He wanted to take it away for the other man. He wanted to make it all better. Even if Barba didn’t like him, which Sonny was pretty sure he didn’t, he still wanted to be a good friend to Barba.

 

So, about twenty minutes later, Sonny left the precinct to join Barba at the bar. Sonny wasn’t sure what he was going to do when he got there, what he’d say, how Barba would treat him, but he knew he wanted to be with Barba then.

 

When he walked in, Sonny spotted Barba almost instantly. He could in the most crowded of rooms, probably. He quickly waltzed over, trying to be cool, but probably failing miserably.

 

Barba had a full glass in front of him, no doubt the start of his second. Sonny didn’t mind having to catch up. It sounded nice about now.

 

“They sent you?” Barba asked as Sonny sat, not even looking at him.

 

“I volunteered,” Sonny replied. “After I almost flipped out on Rollins. Thought maybe I could use a drink.”

 

“What happened?” Barba asked, sparing him a glance.

 

Sonny shrugged. “You shouldn’t have to keep feeling this after the day ends, and she shouldn’t get to question it.”

 

Barba nodded as if he understood. Maybe he didn’t want Sonny to elaborate. That was fine, because the bartender stepped up and Sonny ordered a Jack and Coke.

 

“Going hard tonight,” Barba commented.

 

“Liquor before beer,” was all Sonny said.

 

Barba dipped as Sonny caught up, but it was fine. The drink was delicious and he really wanted it, so they were silent as Sonny drank. Sonny almost didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think Barba just needed to move on and change the topic, but he feared bringing it up.

 

Finally, as he was served a second drink, Sonny asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“I thought you were here to take my mind off it.”

 

“Only if you want me to. I think you’re allowed to be sad and stuff. Whatever you want. I’m just here so you can, like, get home safely later.”

 

“And they made you do that?”

 

“Again, I volunteered.”

 

Sonny caught Barba’s lips twitch up, but he didn’t smile. Then, he said, “I didn’t hear about your big plans after the case. What are you doing tomorrow?”

 

“My niece’s soccer game.”

 

“Oh, that should be fun.”

 

Sonny snorted. “Have you ever watched three-year-olds play soccer?”

 

“Oh god. I didn’t know you meant the baby.”

 

“Yeah, my sister lets her invite people every week. I’m like, ‘Bells, soccer’s not tea at Buckingham Palace. You don’t gotta invite people!’ But my niece likes it, and honestly I feel a little special getting invited. She doesn’t invite Gina.”

 

Barba chuckled. “Why not?”

 

“Oh, the kid hates Gina. Nobody has any idea why, either. She’s just always hated her. Gina shows up anyway, of course. She loves the baby as much as her own. But little Gia won’t give her the time of day.”

 

“Such a similar name, too.”

 

“Bella insists she didn’t name Gia after her, but I kind of suspect that wasn’t true,” Sonny downs the last of his second drink. “Sorry, am I rambling?”

 

Barba’s on his third. Sonny’s third is waiting for him on the counter already. Barba looks a little bit more loose, and Sonny’s sure he’s drinking straight scotch on the rocks. But he cracks a smile at Sonny.

 

“No, please, go on.”

 

Sonny chuckles. “Okay, so, anyway, pee-wee soccer. Shit’s a madhouse. Ya got kids cryin’, kids on the ground, and then one or two parents who act like they were world-class athletes when they were that age. They’re going crazy on the sideline, yelling to their kid which direction to go and when to get the ball. I feel for those kids though, that was me with baseball. Except my dad will play minor league ball.Anyway, kids though, you ever spend time with little kids? I know we got Noah and Jesse, but stranger’s kids. They’re crazy. They know everything, they want to know everything, or they just tell you shit. I was at my older niece’s birthday party like a month ago, had a bunch of six-year-olds runnin’ around my sister’s house. And some kid just runs up to me and asks how fast he was running. I was like, ‘I dunno pal, maybe five miles per hour?’ And he’s like, ‘Actually it was more like 13 million.’ Like I was an idiot for not clocking him correctly. Then another one comes up and is just like, ‘My Daddy says policemen are pigs. Do you have a tail?’ So then I oinked at her. Then I said, ‘I mean, uh, no.’ And she ran away freaked out that I was some pig-man.”

 

This entire long-winded story, Barba was slowly gaining more and more chuckles. At the final story, Barba let out a full laugh.

 

“You didn’t,” he said.

 

Sonny nodded. “Of course I did. Later, I heard my niece try to convince her friends that her uncle isn’t a pig-man.”

 

“What did your sister say?”

 

“She was like, ‘I can’t believe you did that to a kid! You scared her!’ I was like, fine, tell her dad to give her better stories about cops. But whatever. Everyone’s got an opinion.”

 

Barba nodded. “Isn’t that the truth.”

 

They sipped in a silence for a moment, and Sonny could tell Barba was slipping back into his thoughts about the events of the day. Sonny wanted desperately to say something to distract him once again, but he didn’t know what else to add. He also didn’t want to annoy Barba.

 

Finally, Barba did speak first. Sonny let out a sigh of relief when Barba started.

 

“So,” he said, “Do you not have any nephews?”

 

Sonny shook his head. “Nope. I’m still the only boy. My ma says I’ll probably have the boys, just because I’m the only one who hasn’t had kids yet, but I think it’s just a ploy to get grandkids outta me.”

 

Barba laughed. “Why are mothers like that?”

 

“Right? I’m like, ‘ma, I can’t even count on one had all the ways that’s not gonna happen right now.’ God, right now especially. I can’t even remember to feed myself most days.”

 

“But you managed to work out time to make me soup when I was sick a few weeks ago?”

 

Sonny shrugged. “What can I say? Your needs above mine.”

 

Barba looked away from him. “My needs?”

 

Sonny gulped. “Uh, everyone’s needs. Yeah, yours, Rollins, the Lieu, y’know.”

 

Sonny wasn’t drunk enough yet, because if he was he would have confessed that Barba’s needs were above absolutely everyone else’s. Downing the last of his drink, he worried he’d get there soon.

 

Barba kept a smile in his face from then on. Sonny relished in it. He loved Barba smiling at him, laughing at him. He could listen to the sound of Barba’s laughter forever.

 

Finally, Sonny was too tipsy and making too many jokes. He waited for the pin to drop, for Barba to realize it’s Sonny he’s been bonding with, but Sonny doesn’t want to remind him. He just amplifies the jokes, makes Barba laugh more.

 

“You’re funny,” Barba said suddenly. “When did this happen?”

 

“Somewhere between the mustache and you actually listening to what I have to say,” Sonny replied, beaming.

 

“Must’ve been,” Barba agreed, smiling at Sonny, his eyes heavy lidded with the drink, but still...flirtatious?

 

God, Sonny hoped. He hadn’t had a date in forever, and he hadn’t liked someone this much in forever. He wondered briefly what it would feel like to lean over and kiss Barba. He wondered what it would be like to insist on walking the other man home and sharing a goodnight kiss.

 

But he didn’t do anything, of course. Barba was drunk, he was drunk, and he couldn’t do anything without proper consent. So, he just smiled like an idiot to the person who currently had his heart wrapped up in string, whose laugh made it burst every second, who he just loved to see smiling.

 

Last call was called. Sonny didn’t even realize it was so late. They’d been at the bar for hours, drinking, eating, laughing.

 

“Well, tired out yet?” Sonny asked.

 

“I think I am,” Barba said. Then, he looked at Sonny genuinely. “Thank you, Carisi.”

 

“For what?” Sonny asked in real wonder.

 

“For rescuing me. Again.”

 

Sonny rolled his eyes. “You weren’t gonna die from the flu. You weren’t gonna die from this case. Tomorrow...that’s another story, but for tonight...”

 

“I’m good. Thanks to you.”

 

Sonny smiled impossibly wider. Maybe Barba did know. He knew everything. All of it.

 

After that, Sonny got Barba in a cab and he grabbed his own. Barba was good to get home alone, and even though Sonny would have loved to assist him in that, he couldn’t impose. He left Barba in his own cab, but he had a giant smile on his face and a butterfly in his stomach.


	5. “You inspire me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following week.

Rafael was falling apart at the seams. The past few weeks have been case after case of extreme and different difficulties. He was under so much stress and so much pressure from the city that he was on his last fuse. 

 

The only thing keeping him going was Carisi, whether that was good or bad. He was beginning to rely on the other man way too much, and he was just waiting for Carisi to realize it. He was waiting for Carisi to stop checking on him, stop making sure he went home at a decent hour, stop making sure he ate dinner, stop worrying about him. The problem was that he didn’t want Carisi to stop. He enjoyed Carisi’s company, he liked Carisi’s attention.

 

He liked Carisi.

 

And he was waiting for Carisi to realize he wasn’t right for him.

 

Because maybe, way down there, Carisi liked him, too. It wasn’t completely beyond the realm of possibility. But he knew that if maybe Carisi did like him, Carisi would surely soon come to his senses. Rafael was too old, too washed up, too much of an asshole, too little of what Carisi needed.

 

God, he wanted to be enough for Carisi. He wanted to be what Carisi wanted. He wanted to be good enough; good enough at his job, good enough as a man.

 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t doing good enough at his job right now. And it was stressing himself out more and more each day that Carisi would soon realize it.

 

Rafael spent another night drinking in his apartment alone. After promising Carisi that he was going straight home, not to a bar, he did make a detour at his favorite liquor store for a bottle of whiskey. Whiskey could do the trick, and he needed that burn tonight. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted to feel it.

 

The following day, he was moody and slightly hungover when he got to the office. Thankfully, it was the one day that week he didn’t have court, just piles of paperwork to complete. He could have an uninterrupted day to stew in self-pity, then rush home to drink his sorrows away.

 

Rafael rubbed his eyes after the third file was completed. He couldn’t stop thinking about how awful it had all been lately. He just wished things would look up. He needed a pick-me-up. Or a vacation.

 

It was nearly noon, and Carmen stepped in to say she was getting lunch. Rafael excused her, thankful for the silence. Carmen wasn’t bothering him, she knew to steer clear of him right now, but at least there wasn’t a possibility that she’d walk in if she was at lunch.

 

That’s why a knock at the door ten minutes later was so strange.

 

“Come in!” Rafael called.

 

He didn’t have long to wonder who it was at the door before Detective Carisi walked in.

 

“Detective,” Rafael greeted.

 

“Hey Barba,” Sonny said, sounding as chipper as usual but clearly not wanting to step on Barba’s toes. “Have you had lunch?”

 

Rafael shook his head. “No, why—“

 

Carisi produced a brown bag from behind his back. “Cheeseburger?”

 

Although Rafael was thankful, he couldn’t help but feel frustrated. How he wished Carisi would just...stop.

 

No, not stop. He didn’t want Carisi to stop, or else he would have told Carisi as much. No, he just wished Carisi would come to his own realization that Rafael wasn’t that great quicker. He wished he could stop feeling this agonizing dread that Carisi’s attention will soon go away.

 

In his frustration, Rafael finally snapped. The pressure, the worry, the frustration, it all came crashing down.

 

“God damn it, Carisi,” he said suddenly.

 

Carisi looked taken aback. “Uh...you didn’t want cheeseburgers?”

 

“I don’t want anything,” Rafael lied. “I... want...”

 

Carisi looked confused. “What, Barba? Tell me.”

 

“I want you to just realize I’m a waste of your time so I can stop fucking worrying about it.”

 

Carisi looked even more confused. “Worrying about what?”

 

“Worrying about when you’ll realize it and stop, I don’t know...this. Lunch, dinner, making sure I get home...” Rafael rubbed his eyes again, a headache forming. Maybe picking a fight wasn’t the best thing for his sanity right now. “I can’t deal with this right now.”

 

“Deal with what?” Carisi asked, getting defensive now. Fighting back. Good.

 

“Deal with you! I can’t keep waiting for you to come to your senses. God, I sound so ridiculous. You’re not even...” Rafael chuckled at himself. “God, I’m such an idiot.”

 

“You’re not making any sense, that’s for sure. Come to my senses about what?”

 

“That I’m not good enough for you!”

 

Carisi looked stunned. “What?”

 

“Forget it,” Rafael said. He’d read it all wrong. It was all one-sided, his feelings. How could he be so stupid? Of course Carisi didn’t like him. “Please leave.”

 

Carisi turned to go. Rafael was thankful, even though it felt like a knife twisting in his stomach.

 

Carisi got all the way to the door, clearly thinking very hard about something, before he paused and turned back to Rafael.

 

“No, fuck that. I’m not walking away. You think you’re not good enough for me? I’ve been trying to be good enough for you. I’ve been trying...I don’t even know what I’ve been trying to do. I’ve been trying to take care of you, even just as a friend, because that’s what I do. I get attached. I wanna be there for you, Barba. I wanted you to see that I could do that.”

 

Rafael blinked at him. What?

 

“It’s been killing me watching you stress over work for the past few weeks. I wish I could tell everyone putting pressure on you to fuck off, because I know work is the source of all your problems right now. I wish I could help you walk away from it, stop worrying so much. I know it’s been hard. But I’m here. To do whatever you need me to do.”

 

Rafael’s thoughts flowed out just as Carisi’s had. “I’ve been stressing out over not being good enough at my job. I want to do better. I want to prove that I can be at my best again. I’m sick of being a disappointment. Of disappointing you.”

 

“The last thing you could ever do is disappoint me.”

 

“Carisi, you have no idea—“

 

“Yes, I do,” Carisi said, “Trust me, I do.”

 

There was a silent moment, when they just stared at each other. Rafael’s heart was beating impossibly quickly in his chest. His stomach flipped. He felt as nervous as he did during his first day in court. It was the beginning then, too. Just as this could be. The beginning of them.

 

“You inspire me to do better,” Rafael admitted. “I want to do better. For...for you.”

 

Carisi was calm. “Barba.”

 

“What?”

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

“Please.”

 

Rafael’s heart went from beating so quickly it felt like it would jump out of his skin to completely still in the matter of seconds it took for Carisi to cross to him. He dropped the bag of food on Rafael’s desk, then reached for Rafael’s face. His long fingers enveloped Rafael’s cheeks, then he leaned in to plant a solid kiss on Rafael’s lips.

 

Rafael felt instant relief, like taking a deep breath after being submerged in water. His brain saw static and he cared about nothing in the world more than Carisi’s lips on his, Carisi’s jacket clutched in his fists, Carisi flush against him, the way Carisi fit so perfectly with him. He always had, Rafael supposed.

 

When Carisi pulled away first, he didn’t go far. He rested his forehead against Rafael’s and breathed in his air, completing them even more as one. He played with Rafael’s ears, the hairs on the back of his head. Rafael just loved Carisi’s hands on him.

 

“You’re enough for me,” Carisi whispered. “Please don’t ever question that. Of everyone in this world, you’ll never disappoint me.”

 

Rafael believed him wholeheartedly. “I needed to hear that.”

 

“I needed to say it. Maybe I should have said it a long time ago. Maybe I should have told you a long time ago—“

 

“Carisi?” Barba cut him off.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You talk too damn much.”

 

Carisi let out a chuckle. Rafael smiled. Carisi kissed him again.

 

After sharing another wonderful kiss, Carisi wrapped his long arms Rafael for a hug. Rafael, never much of a hugger, let it happen, because Carisi’s arms around him was better than pretty much anything on earth. Carisi also pecked small kisses to his head.

 

“You smell so good,” was all Rafael could say after a few minutes.

 

“I’m glad you finally noticed. I’ve never worn cologne in my life but I started ‘cause I thought, y’know, you’d like it.”

 

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

“What can I say?”

 

“For the record,” Rafael added, “I noticed a while back. I just thought it was weird for friends to compliment the other’s scent.”

 

“Probably weird for friends to kiss each other, too.”

 

“Is it weird for friends to ask each other out?”

 

“I think so.”

 

“Maybe we...shouldn’t be friends anymore.”

 

“Ooh, Rafael Barba, you’re smooth.”

 

Rafael laughed. Carisi pulled back, then gave him another kiss. Rafael could certainly get used to that.

 

“I would love to go out with you,” Carisi said after the kiss. “But for now, let’s start with lunch.”

 

“Thank god,” Rafael said as Carisi finally stepped away. “I’m starving.”

 

Carisi handed him a cheeseburger. “I know,” he said, smiling.

 

Rafael smiled back at him.

 

His stress was alleviated for the time being. Sure, work was still there, but maybe it would get easier knowing he was doing a good job in Carisi’s eyes. And having a date, a real date, to look forward to couldn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! These fools!


	6. “I got these for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four (official) dates later.

Sonny ran up the steps to Rafael’s building for their fifth date. Fifth officially date. Rafael insisted that late nights at Forlini’s didn’t count, because when it’s a date, both people should probably be aware of it. Sonny disagreed, because of course they’ve been kind of dating this whole time, but he did like that now there were admitted feelings involved. Although he had been trying to tell Rafael for a long time that he liked him, now he did, a lot, every chance he got. 

 

Now, he showed it with kisses. Lots of kisses. His favorites were the quick kisses hello and goodbye when Sonny entered Rafael’s office alone. But he secretly really loved the deep make-out sessions on one of their couches following a great date.

 

Sonny ran up the stairs to Rafael’s apartment and tried not to hit the bouquet of flowers he was holding on the wall or stair bannister. In his overexcitement, he didn’t want to ruin the gift, because he thought Rafael’s apartment could use the pretty flowers.

 

Finally, he got to Rafael’s door and knocked quickly. It wasn’t three seconds before the door flew open.

 

Rafael was smiling, tying a beautiful green tie, and barefoot. Sonny loved barefoot Rafael. He loved seeing the man comfortable and effortless.

 

“Hi,” Rafael said, stepping aside to let Sonny in.

 

“Hi,” Sonny said, holding the flowers out. “I got these for you.”

 

“Romantic,” Rafael commented, dropping his tie and taking the flowers. “What else do you have for me?”

 

Sonny grinned and Rafael leaned in for a kiss, deepening it almost instantly and pushing Sonny against the wall.

 

He almost stopped Rafael to not ruin the flowers he’d worked so hard to preserve, but he didn’t dare when Rafael’s tongue was brushing against his. God, he could get lost in the feeling. He could get lost in Rafael’s hot body against his, Rafael pushing against him.

 

Sonny kissed like his heart depended on it, his hands roaming between Rafael’s face and chest, but Rafael’s staying solid on his hip, holding him in place. Sonny loved it.

 

They kissed for a never ending amount of time and finally paused when Sonny fucking moaned like some horny teenager. Embarrassed, his is eyes shot open to see Rafael smirking.

 

“We’d better go,” Sonny muttered, because he was hungry. He did want to eat. And he didn’t want to make a bigger fool of himself.

 

Rafael stepped back, freeing Sonny. Sonny dazedly took the flowers and went to the kitchen for a vase, but his hands couldn’t seem to work.

 

“You’re cute when you’re turned on,” Rafael said behind him, reaching passed him to open a cabinet where Sonny saw a vase.

 

“Really? I must be pretty adorable all the time when I’m with you, then.”

 

“Oh, you are.” Rafael kissed the back of Sonny’s neck before stepping away.

 

Sonny almost shivered. It was getting increasingly difficult to go to dinner.

 

Sonny got the flowers in the vase. Somehow he remembered water, because Rafael’s hand was tracing lines up and down his back.

 

“We’d better go,” Sonny said abruptly. But he didn’t move away from the kitchen island where he’d left the flowers.

 

“What’s the rush?” Rafael asked, almost in a whisper, as he leaned closer and closer to Sonny.

 

“Reservations,” Sonny stammered out as Rafael’s lips brushed the side of his neck. God, he was fucked. The little touch had the blood shooting down so fast that he suddenly couldn’t even remember the food he was looking forward to eating.

 

Rafael licked at his skin. Sonny bit his lip to hold back a groan. Rafael wrapped a hand around his hip to pull him close. He shifted Sonny so they were chest to chest.

 

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Rafael said against his skin. “Kiss you whenever, wherever I want.” His lips traced Sonny’s neck, then he paused and sucked gently.

 

Sonny’s hand shot to his head, keeping him in place. “Ah, fuck...” he sighed.

 

Rafael grabbed Sonny’s ass. Sonny almost pushed his hips into Rafael’s, but he had a slight amount of self-control left. Only a slight amount.

 

“But I guess if we’d better go,” Rafael said.

 

“No, no...” Sonny almost begged.

 

Suddenly Rafael was gone.

 

“Let me get my shoes,” he called over his shoulder.

 

Sonny barely heard it with the blood pounding in his ears. He finally opened his eyes to see Rafael disappear into his bedroom.

 

Sonny’s face cracked a smile. He began to calm down. “Son of a bitch,” he sighed, but he began to chuckle. All he’d wanted for so long was Rafael. Well, now he had him, and he was willing to wait for their time to be truly intimate. For now, dinner waited, and he was so excited to have another date with the man he was falling for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploaded two today because I’m behind and cranking them out like really well. Thanks for reading!


	7. “Be careful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two months after the first date.

Sonny began to spend the night at Rafael’s apartment about two months in. Sometimes it was easier than going home after a long night together. Sometimes it was easier for an early morning, since Rafael’s apartment was closer to the precinct. Sometimes Sonny just couldn’t bring himself to leave Rafael in the night. 

 

Rafael was really sweet when he was tired, Sonny found. He was more cuddly, more soft, more smiley, a little warmer, and so loving.

 

Not that he wasn’t always loving toward Sonny. Sonny could tell how much more patience Rafael had toward him, how understanding he was, how caring he was. Sonny truly saw a side to Rafael that nobody else ever got the privilege to see. Sonny saw a side of Rafael that he was lucky enough to see.

 

Sonny also noticed that Rafael had a secret liking of sleepy pet-names. Only late at night, only when Rafael was dead tired would he mutter a groggy, “Night, amorcito,” to Sonny quietly in the bed. Sometimes he would smack a quick kiss to Sonny’s lips, accompanied by a, “Goodnight, honey.”

 

And boy did Sonny love it each and every time. He was usually allowed to smile at himself in the hushed darkness of the bedroom. He would dwell in the happy thoughts as he drifted to sleep with Rafael’s arm around him, or Rafael in his arms.

 

All in all, he knew he had never felt about anybody the way he felt about Rafael. He had never wanted to be with someone so badly when they were apart. He had never wanted to make someone happy as badly as he wanted to make Rafael happy. He never wanted to keep someone as safe and healthy as much as he wanted to keep Rafael safe and healthy.

 

Sonny loved it.

 

The hardest part of Sonny’s day was leaving Rafael. Unfortunately, since they worked together, it happened a lot. He hated having to say goodbye after delivering evidence or a file. He hated watching Rafael go back to his office after he visited the precinct. He hated their lunches together being too short and their dates often not being long enough.

 

But above all, he hated being woken up in the middle of the night for a call. He hated leaving Rafael’s warm body and warm bed. He just hated leaving Rafael.

 

Sonny climbed out of bed and groped around the floor for his jeans. He wished he had enough thought to put his clothes somewhere he could find them quickly, but when his clothes come off, that’s the last thing he’s thinking about. So, it takes him a few minutes to find his jeans, then his shirt, and get dressed again.

 

When he sat on the bed to slip on his shoes, thinking he would get out of there without waking Rafael, the other man turned over in bed and sighed.

 

“Where are you going?” Rafael slurred out.

 

“Gotta go to work,” Sonny answered. “Go back to sleep.”

 

“Mhm,” Rafael sighed, then Sonny was sure he fell asleep again.

 

Sonny grabbed his watch off the bedside table, his phone, his keys, then headed for the door.

 

He was almost out when he heard a faint, “Hey baby...”

 

Sonny’s heart broke into a million pieces. He wasn’t strong enough to leave Rafael. Not anymore.

 

“Yeah, Rafi?” he asked.

 

“Please be careful.”

 

Sonny nodded. “I will.”

 

“Mmmkay,” Rafael mumbled.

 

Sonny couldn’t do anything else. If he kissed Rafael goodbye, he was sure to want to stay. So instead, he just memorized Rafael’s form on the shadow lit bed, then left the room.

 

As he left the apartment, he felt like he’d left his heart inside.

 


	8. “I love you.”

Sonny was making a plan. He was really good at making plans, so good that some would say his organization was what made him so efficient as a worker. 

 

But this plan had nothing to do with work. This was a plan to tell Rafael the biggest thing he could ever say to anyone in his life: “I love you.”

 

They’d been together now for six months, and Sonny was sure he was ready. He really meant it, after all. He had fallen in love with Rafael, and maybe always had loved him. But now he was ready to say it out loud.

 

Sonny sighed and scratched out another idea on the Post-It pad in front of him. Dinner was too generic. In bed was cliche. And crass. Sonny also didn’t want to just blurt it.

 

God, he was treating it like a freakin’ proposal. He just wanted to tell Rafael that he loved him.

 

“Whatcha doin’ over there, Carisi?” Rollins asked, peering over their computers to try to catch a glimpse of what Sonny was writing.

 

Sonny crossed out “Romantic weekend getaway” and glared at her.

 

“If you must know,” he said.

 

“And I must.”

 

Sonny looked down at his notepad to avoid her eye contact. “I am getting ready to take my relationship with Rafael to the next level.”

 

Rollins gaped at him. “Don’t say you haven’t had sex yet.”

 

Sonny snorted. “Please. That was the sixth date.”

 

“You waited ‘til after the sixth date?”

 

“It was the sixth date.”

 

Rollins chuckled. “I feel like I began this conversation thinking I was more ready for it than I am. So please. Tell me what the actual next level is.”

 

Sonny grew a bashful smile. He could only imagine the shit Rollins is going to give him.

 

“I’m going to tell Rafael that I love him.”

 

Rollins didn’t make a joke. She didn’t even make a sound.

 

Sonny finally looked up. “What?” he asked.

 

“I just. I’m surprised you haven’t yet.”

 

“Ha-ha, I know, ‘cause I’m—“

 

“‘Cause you’re madly in love with Rafael and you always have been. I’m just surprised you haven’t told him yet.”

 

Sonny understood then. She was right.

 

“Yeah, well, I am planning on it. And I can’t decide when would be the perfect time to tell him.”

 

“Why do you need a perfect time? You can just tell him whenever.”

 

“Because I need it to be perfect.”

 

“It’ll be perfect no matter what. But tell me your ideas.”

 

After Sonny told Rollins his ideas and they talked about it, Sonny still couldn’t pick a good idea. He was stuck, then they got a call, so he left the precinct with his list at the back of his mind.

 

Two weeks passed and Sonny still couldn’t decide how he was going to tell Rafael he loved him. It was driving him crazy because he hadn’t done it yet. Rollins kept giving him ideas, telling him to just say it over dinner, maybe get Rafael a gift. But nothing sounded right.

 

Sonny talked about it the entire drive to Rafael’s office with Rollins. They had to go over their court hearing the next day, and it was just driving Sonny crazy that he hadn’t said it yet. Rollins had joined in being driven crazy, but it had nothing to do with Sonny not saying “I love you” yet and everything to do with Sonny whining about it.

 

“Would you just fucking tell him?” Rollins commented as they got to the hall with Rafael’s office.

 

“How? When?”

 

“Now, for all I care.”

 

They approached the door.

 

Rollins added, “Just tell him you love him now and get it over with.”

 

Sonny shushed her harshly. “He’ll hear you!”

 

“Good!” Rollins cried, then waltzed into Rafael’s office.

 

“Detectives,” Rafael greeted from behind his desk. “Ten minutes late and no knock. Guess our manners are nowhere to be seen today.”

 

“Guess you’re not training Sonny well enough,” Rollins said before Sonny could apologize.

 

“Shut up,” Sonny muttered to her.

 

But Rafael was smiling. Whether it was a real smile or he was thinking of something sarcastic to say back to Rollins, Sonny couldn’t tell.

 

“Now,” Rafael said next, “If you two don’t mind, we need to—“

 

Rollins cut him off. “First, Sonny has something to say.”

 

Sonny’s eyes grew wide as he glared at her. “You asshole.”

 

Rollins lifted an eyebrow. A dare.

 

“What is it, Carisi?” Rafael asked.

 

“Nothin’,” Sonny said.

 

“Not nothing,” Rollins said. “Say it or I will.”

 

Sonny argued, “The first time I tell my boyfriend that I love him can’t be from you.”

 

“You, what?” Rafael asked suddenly.

 

Rollins’ grin grew. “Yeah, Carisi. You, what?”

 

Sonny’s nostrils flared in annoyance at her, then he looked at Rafael. He looked at Sonny in wonder.

 

“You love me?” Rafael asked.

 

Sonny rubbed a hand through his hair. “I, I mean, yeah. And I’m sorry to just say it, or be forced to say it—“

 

“No, Sonny, I’m sorry.”

 

Sonny’s stomach dropped. Shit. Did he just fuck everything up?

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t said it.”

 

Sonny looked up at him. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, of course. Of course I love you. You dork.”

 

Sonny sighed relief. “I...thank you.”

 

Rafael stared at him. “I’ve actually said that I love you, by the way.”

 

Sonny stepped forward, and as he crossed the room to reach Rafael, he muttered. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

Before he could grab Rafael’s face and plant a big kiss on his lips, Rollins piped up from behind them. “Oh god. I’m going to find coffee. Even if that means going to Starbucks down the street.”

 

“This is your fault,” Sonny reminded her.

 

“Doesn’t mean I wanna witness it,” she said, then went through the door on time for Sonny to kiss Rafael.

 

They kissed happily, smiling into each other’s mouths and even giggling. That was something Sonny never expected: Rafael’s giggles. And they tasted so good.

 

Sonny leaned back and pressed his forehead to Rafael’s, which was one of his favorite things to do.

 

“You really loved me?” he asked.

 

“More and more every day.”

 

Sonny’s smile grew as wide as it could.

 

“Me too,” Sonny said, then kissed Rafael some more.

 

They kissed pretty much until Rollins returned. Of course they needed to, they needed to be close, and Sonny ended up glad that he didn’t make the grand pronouncement at a restaurant or somewhere public; he would’ve needed time to kiss Rafael senseless.

 

“Alright!” Rollins announced herself upon entering the room. “Y’all good? ‘Cause we got shit to do.”

 

Sonny gave Rafael one more kiss, then stepped away.

 

“I remind you,” Rafael said, “You started this.”

 

“Yeah, well, this one was drivin’ me nuts. Seriously, I don’t know how you take him home in the evening.”

 

“In his handcuffs,” Rafael joked.

 

Sonny instantly blushed. Rollins closed her eyes in disgust.

 

“That’s not a visual I needed,” Rollins said.

 

“Hey, you’re the one—“

 

“I know, I know!” she cried.

 

Rafael laughed as he sat in his seat. Sonny tried to drown himself in coffee.

 

From then on, they worked, and Sonny could tell Rollins was tiring not to say anything that would entice Rafael to make another inappropriate joke. Sonny was thankful for that.

 

Still, trying to avoid the jokes, Sonny was able to discreetly send Rafael loving eyes. He couldn’t help it. He was so in love.

 

 

 


	9. “I appreciate it when you...”

Rafael knew he was not the kindest person in the world. He was never nice, rarely even as a little boy; so determined was he to be the best and brightest, he came off as rude and uncaring towards others. He had friends, but in the end, everything between them became a competition that he was never good enough to win. 

 

Somehow Sonny had fallen for him anyway.

 

If Rafael didn’t know that Sonny was a smart, mentally sound man, he would seriously question Sonny’s sanity. Rafael was rude—he didn’t say please or thank you. He was inconsiderate—he stole blankets from Sonny. He didn’t think of Sonny’s gifts as anything more than Sonny doing what came natural to him. He was no good for Sonny.

 

He did, however, thank God every single day that Sonny chose him.

 

That didn’t mean he was that nice to Sonny. At home, on their own, sure, maybe he was a little more kind. But in the office? Forget it. He was just as shitty to Sonny as the other detectives.

 

Sonny didn’t seem to mind, not really. Not that Rafael could tell. He was still nice and Sonny when they got home.

 

The other detectives seemed to notice. Rollins especially, of course, because she was Sonny’s buddy. She was better friends with Sonny than Rafael was. And she was very protective of her friend.

 

The squad was in Rafael’s office bouncing ideas off each other.

 

It was Sonny’s turn to give his two cents. He’d been overexcited all day, but there was a lull, so he could talk.

 

“Maybe if we—“

 

It was Rafael’s turn to cut him off, because that’s just what Rafael did.

 

“Alright, Night School, cool it.”

 

“Jesus Christ,” Rollins sighed.

 

Rafael looked at her. “I’m sorry Detective, do you have something to share with the class?”

 

“What, you wanna listen to what I have to say? You won’t listen to Sonny.”

 

“Well—“

 

Rollins shook her head. “Not uh. Carisi bends over backwards for you and what do you do? You never appreciate anything he ever does. Get your own coffee tomorrow.”

 

Olivia stood up and between them. “Guys—“

 

“Fuck that, Barba,” Rollins said. “Fuck. That.”

 

Rafael looked at Sonny. The other man was staring down at his phone.

 

Rafael felt guilty for the rest of the afternoon. Was that how Sonny felt? Rafael knew he was an ass, but...god, was he that bad? So bad that Sonny’s friend had to defend him and Sonny had nothing to say?

 

That evening, Rafael hadn’t made plans with Sonny, and he worried Sonny wouldn’t want to meet him at his apartment. So, before he left the office, he texted Sonny.

 

“I do appreciate you.”

 

Sonny didn’t reply in three minutes, which was not usual. Rafael sent another text.

 

“I appreciate the coffee you bring me.”

 

Still, no reply, so he sent another text.

 

“I appreciate when you stay late to go over evidence with me.”

 

Again, no reply, so Rafael tried once more.

 

“I appreciate when you make dinner and get ready at my house so my closet smells like your cologne.”

 

Once again, he got no reply, so he sent another text. This time he went for humor.

 

“I appreciate it when you leave dishes in the sink.”

 

Finally, finally! Rafael got a reply.

 

“Its a promise that I’ll go back to wash ‘em. I’m very tidy.”

 

Rafael smiled, thankful that he got through to Sonny. Then he replied, “Yes, as tidy as a housebroken puppy.”

 

“Hey, at least I’m housebroken.”

 

Rafael chuckled, then he sobered to reply something serious.

 

“I’m trying to do better. I’ll keep trying to do better.”

 

“I know you will.”

 

Rafael was thankful that Sonny knew he was trying. He hoped Sonny knew how much he loved him.

 

“You can come tell me your idea now, if you want.”

 

“You just want to have me alone in your office.”

 

Rafael grinned. “And that’s bad because...”

 

Sonny sent back a smiley-face.

 

Rafael’s phone buzzed again while it was in his hand.

 

“Love you,” was all Sonny said.

 

“I love you,” he agreed. Then he followed Sonny’s suit and sent a text immediately following that one. “Come over after work.”

 

“Already on my way. Want some Chinese?”

 

“I was hoping for a little Italian tonight,” Rafael jokes.

 

“Yeah? Only if I can get a little Cuban later.”

 

“Always, mi amor.”

 

“I love you, Rafi.”

 

Rafael’s stomach flipped. “Love you too, Sonny. I’ll be home soon.”

 

“Okay,” is all Sonny said.

 

Rafael put his phone down, happy with the turn of events. Yes, he needed to work harder, be nicer, but as long as Sonny knew he loved him.

 

About three minutes later, Rafael’s phone buzzed again. He picked it up and saw a text.

 

“Wait,” It was Sonny. “So Chinese?”

 

Rafael laughed and sent back a thumbs-up emoji. Then, he put his phone in his pocket and worked as quickly as he could to get home to his little Italian.

 


	10. “You give me goosebumps.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for almost sex!

Sonny cuddled closer to Rafael. He had to. In their time together, Sonny had grown accustomed to sleeping wrapped around Rafael. Rafael seemed fine with it, he didn’t push Sonny away too often, so Sonny snuggled deep with an arm under Rafael’s hip and another over Rafael’s belly. His head was down on Rafael’s bare ribs; he was using Rafael completely like a pillow. 

 

“You’re giving me goosebumps,” Rafael muttered.

 

Sonny huffed on Rafael’s belly purposefully. “That’s what you get for sleeping naked.” He was in a worn Harvard t-shirt that Rafael swears he got recently but Sonny knew he’d had since his college days. Sonny found it adorable that he’d kept that shirt all that time. He also had on a pair of briefs, but Rafael slept completely nude.

 

“You know I get too hot when I sleep. Especially with you, you damn octopus.” He ran a hand up and down Sonny’s back, and Sonny was sure he wasn’t that bent up about Sonny sleeping practically on top of him.

 

“You just like rubbin’ your dick all over me when we’re asleep.”

 

“That is definitely a perk.”

 

Sonny chuckled. Rafael squirmed.

 

“You ticklish, Rafi? Ticklish and I didn’t even know?”

 

“You’ve never even tried,” Rafael said. “It’s like you don’t even touch me—“

 

“Oh please,” Sonny said. “I touch your body more than I touch my own.”

 

“Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

 

Sonny chuckled again. Again, Rafael squirmed.

 

“Stop that,” he demanded.

 

“Stop what?” Sonny asked, purposefully breathing out the words with more emphasis.

 

Rafael squirmed even harder. “Stop it!”

 

Sonny lifted his head, planted his lips on Rafael’s rib, and blew. Rafael jolted roughly and gave off a little laugh.

 

“God damn it!” Rafael cried.

 

Sonny gnawed gently at his belly, listening to Rafael let out little giggles above him. Rafael’s skin broke out with more tiny bumps. Sonny loved it.

 

“Do you know how good your laughter tastes?” Sonny asked, not entirely sure what he meant, but knowing he entirely meant it.

 

“You are ridiculous—ouch!”

 

Sonny had bitten him. Then, Sonny looked up at Rafael and grinned.

 

“You’re lucky I don’t make you sleep on the couch,” Rafael said.

 

“You couldn’t. As much as you complain, you love it when I cuddle you.”

 

“Cuddle? Maybe. Not—“

 

Sonny blew loudly into Rafael’s skin again, this time just below his nipple. Rafael nearly yelped, broke out into more goosebumps, but before he could reprimand, Sonny pounced on top of him. Just as quickly, Sonny licked Rafael’s nipple.

 

Rafael groaned. “Why do you make my body so confused? It’s going to expect an erection every time I’m tickled.”

 

“Hey, that’s not a bad idea—“ Sonny ground his hips against Rafael’s, causing Rafael to gasp. At the same time, he blew into Rafael’s skin again.

 

“Son of a bitch,” Rafael said through clenched teeth.

 

Sonny chuckled. “My body expects an erection every time you’re frustrated with me,” he said. It wasn’t entirely false. Work gave Sonny a whole bunch of conflicting emotions.

 

Sonny licked up to Rafael’s neck, where he latched instantly and sucked. Rafael grabbed his hair and held him in place. Sonny spent a second giving one side of his neck attention, then shifted to the other side. But, instead of sucking, Sonny blew into Rafael’s neck.

 

“You fucking fuck!” Rafael cried, trying to push Sonny away.

 

Sonny laughed. He ground his hips down against Rafael again.

 

“You little shit,” Rafael added, clutching Sonny still.

 

“See? My dick is, like, so ready ‘cause you’re usin’ that tone. Maybe I should tickle you some more.” He leaned down to blow gently on Rafael’s collar bone.

 

“Maybe you should blow something else,” Rafael said.

 

Sonny bit gently. Rafael groaned. “Oh, you smooth talker,” Sonny told him between bites.

 

Rafael clutched Sonny’s t-shirt. Sonny shifted down, but Rafael held on to his shirt, so it began to ride up Sonny’s back.

 

Sonny kept biting, kept tickling, until he got low of enough that his shirt was just starting to come off. So, he sat up on his heels and pulled it off.

 

“I thought we were gonna have a quiet night,” Sonny said as he tossed his shirt somewhere in the direction of the closet.

 

“You started it,” Rafael replied, reaching up and grabbing Sonny’s dick through his underwear.

 

“You started the angry voice at me,” Sonny countered.

 

“Mmm, and who started the reason for the angry voice? You, that’s who. Now, shut up and fuck me.” His hand didn’t stop stroking Sonny through his underwear.

 

Sonny shrugged. “I guess since you’re already naked. Might as well.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes. Sonny practically jumped on him, attacking Rafael’s lips in a deep kiss.

 

Sonny didn’t stop trying to tickle Rafael. Rafael’s laughter spurred him on to keep trying. He joked that Rafael’s frustrated-voice was turning him on, but he knew it was probably Rafael’s laughter. Laughing against Rafael’s mouth, feeling his lips tweaked into a smile and seeing his eyes glow with joy made Sonny too happy. He was too happy. He loved Rafael too damn much.

 

The thought of loving Rafael so much made Sonny shiver. Rafael gave him goosebumps, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all so much for reading. Sometimes I worry adding a sexy chapter ruins the fluff of a story. Sorry. Kind of.


	11. “You’re too adorable.”

It really wasn’t often that Sonny asked Rafael to do something he didn’t like. When they first started dating, Rafael feared they were so different that he would find himself doing unfamiliar activities all the time. Sonny was a sports man, Sonny liked action films, Sonny didn’t really like theater, Sonny would rather cook than eat out. 

 

However, Rafael found that Sonny was pretty flexible. If Rafael didn’t have interest in it, Sonny didn’t push it. Likewise, Rafael didn’t push Sonny to do anything he didn’t want to do, either. Rafael usually took his Mami to shows and plays, and Sonny usually took his dad or any various family member to sporting events. It was a good system.

 

Until the Mets were in town for Sonny’s birthday, the first “holiday” they’ve really shared since dating. Christmas passed while they were together, but it really wasn’t a big deal because they’d only been dating a few weeks. Valentine’s happened at a few months. But Sonny’s birthday was unavoidable.

 

Sonny really, really, really wanted to take Rafael to a Mets game, and he made that known. It wasn’t even really so much that he “wanted to take” Rafael; it was more like he wanted Rafael to go with him. It wasn’t a treat for Rafael, it was a treat for Sonny.

 

The first time Sonny brought it up, he just mentioned it. He’d said, “Hey, the Mets are in town for my birthday.” And that was that.

 

The second time, Sonny asked, “So, if I bought myself a birthday present, would you go with me?” Rafael didn’t have to ask where to know that Sonny was referring to a game.

 

The third time, Sonny bargained, “What could I do that would make you go with me?”

 

The fourth time, Sonny argued, “I actually do shit for you all the time.” And when Rafael tried to argue back, Sonny argued again that just that afternoon Sonny made a coffee run for Rafael twice.

 

The fifth time, Sonny pleaded, “Please, babe? It’s all I wanna do for my birthday.”

 

The sixth time, they were laying in bed and Sonny was using the power of post-orgasmic persuasion to get Rafael to agree.

 

“I really feel like you’d be more happy just taking your dad or someone,” Rafael said, Sonny’s head rested on his chest.

 

Sonny sighed. “But I want to go with you. It’s my birthday, I want to spend it with my favorite person.”

 

Rafael wanted to argue that maybe he should choose to do something with his favorite person then, but of course, it was Sonny’s birthday. For his birthday, he would expect to be pampered and do whatever he wanted.

 

“Will I have to drink beer?”

 

“They have various alcoholic beverages.”

 

“Will I have to eat a hot dog?”

 

“They have various food choices.”

 

“Will I have to wear a Mets shirt?”

 

Sonny rolled his eyes. Rafael couldn’t see his entire face, but he knew Sonny’s motion.

 

“Baby, I’m from the Bronx,” Rafael tried.

 

Sonny’s head shot up faster than Rafael could tell. “Oh please, Mister Red Sox shirt in his closet—“

 

Rafael lifted an eyebrow. “Need I remind you it was an ex-boyfr—“

 

“Don’t say it,” Sonny warned.

 

“Say what? That I had a boyfr—“

 

Sonny glared. “You know, I can’t decide what’s worse. That you dated someone before me or that you dated a Red Sox fan.”

 

Rafael laughed and petted Sonny’s hair. “You have been the only man I’ve ever loved,” he said noncommittally.

 

“That’s right,” Sonny said pridefully. Then, he sighed again. He widened his eyes and looked at Rafael through his eyelashes.

 

Rafael knew he was six seconds away from agreeing to go to a freakin’ baseball game. All for the love of his life. He knew he was seconds away from saying yes.

 

“Honey?” Sonny asked, “Will you please go to a baseball game with me?”

 

“Well—“

 

“It is my birthday, after all.”

 

“Son—“

 

“And you’ve never gone with me.”

 

“Baby—“

 

“It’s only for a few hours.”

 

“Amor—“

 

“And you love me.”

 

“Sonny!”

 

“What?” Sonny asked, sounding disappointed already.

 

“I was going to say yes,” Rafael replied.

 

Sonny’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

 

Rafael frowned. “Yes. And now I see that I really do nothing for you.”

 

“No, no!” Sonny cried. He leaned forward and kissed Rafael quickly. “You really mean it, though? You’ll go?”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes. “I can’t say no to you. It’s not fair, you’re too adorable.”

 

Sonny smiled.

 

Rafael surged forward and kissed Sonny again. He didn’t get a lot of kisses in before Sonny jumped out of bed. Rafael watched him walk completely naked out of the room.

 

“What are you doing?” Rafael called after him.

 

“Ordering tickets!” Sonny called back.

 

When Sonny didn’t return quickly, Rafael got out of bed, slipped his underwear on, and followed Sonny. He went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, and that was where he found Sonny standing at the island, leaning over and typing on his laptop.

 

Rafael playfully smacked his bare ass as he reached for the tea kettle on the stove.

 

Sonny jumped. “Hey, watch it. I’m busy here.”

 

“Oh, so you’re not going to pay attention to me anymore? What happened to the romance? I remember when we used to cuddle after sex.”

 

“Baseball is romance to me, Rafi. You gotta understand.”

 

“Mmm,” Rafael sighed, getting mugs down with tea bags.

 

Rafael was busy getting ready for their tea. He hummed happily and shook his hips. It was natural to busy himself in this way.

 

He was surprised when Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael’s neck and nuzzled into his hair.

 

“I love you so fuckin’ much,” Sonny said.

 

“So I’ve heard.”

 

“Yeah? From who? Who’s talking about me behind my back?”

 

“Me,” Sonny said. “‘Cause I’m behind you.”

 

Rafael pushed his ass against Sonny. “You’re a funny guy.”

 

Sonny chuckled. “Hey, I also thought of somethin’ you can get me for my birthday.”

 

Rafael groaned. “I have to get you a gift, too?”

 

Sonny bit his ear.

 

Rafael chuckled. “Fine, let’s hear it.”

 

Sonny talked about a list of gift ideas. Rafael didn’t tell him, but he’d already bought Sonny a new video game he wanted, which was thankfully on the list. As Sonny spoke and Rafael finished their tea, he thought about also making reservations at a nice restaurant for Sonny’s birthday.

 

Or dragging Sonny to a play as payback.

 

All in all, Rafael stopped caring about going to the game. He was just happy to make Sonny so happy.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post the last three chapters, even if it’s after Valentine’s Day!


	12. “Everything about you turns me on.”

Sonny waltzed into Rafael’s office like he owned the place. He didn’t check with Carmen if he could enter, he didn’t knock, he just walked on in as if it was his office. He always used to act like he was above it all, like Rafael was okay with him just walking in, but he used to at least knock. 

 

“Hey sexy,” Sonny greeted today.

 

Rafael was on the phone. Sonny also had a way of greeting with something wildly inappropriate while Rafael is on the phone.

 

Rafael shot him a look and kept talking. Sonny grinned and went to him.

 

Rafael looked up on time for Sonny to sweep in for a quick kiss. Rafael still glared at him, silently willing him to stop disrupting him, but Sonny didn’t have a look like he was going to stop. The phone call was nearing its end, but unfortunately Rafael had a ton of other work to do before court that afternoon.

 

Sonny planted himself on the edge of Rafael’s desk, right in front of Rafael. He took his phone out of his pocket.

 

Rafael was on his office phone, and he really shouldn’t have checked his cellphone when it buzzed because somehow Sonny had managed to cluster him over written word.

 

“I like your pants,” the text said, “Can I take them off?”

 

Rafael glared and practically threw his phone down. Sonny was smiling. He even wiggled his eyebrows.

 

Rafael noticed belatedly that Sonny had locked the door. So, he was really expecting something they couldn’t finish in bed that morning.

 

Rafael’s phone buzzed again. For some reason, he checked it.

 

“I can take mine off,” Sonny texted. “Get started without you.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes. Sonny rubbed his crotch.

 

Rafael mouthed, “You’re an idiot.”

 

Sonny smiled.

 

Finally, Rafael’s call ended, so he leaned forward to hang up. He had to lean slightly over Sonny. Sonny rubbed his head.

 

“What is wrong with you?” Rafael asked.

 

“Good morning to you too,” Sonny joked.

 

“I already told you good morning,” Rafael said grouchily.

 

“Mmm, yes, in the shower—“

 

“I’m telling you, I only get in with you so you don’t use all the hot water.”

 

“You know I like long showers.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

Sonny rubbed his leg up Rafael’s leg. “I like other long things, too. Don’t you, Rafi?”

 

Rafael sighed. “I have a ton of work to do.”

 

“I can give you some work to do.”

 

Rafael snorted. “Stop it.”

 

Sonny was smiling so widely. “I’m in a good mood, Rafi.”

 

“Aren’t you always in a good mood?”

 

“When I’m with you.”

 

Rafael stood from his chair. “Well, I’m busy. Go be in a good mood elsewhere. Or, better yet, go back to work.”

 

“I miss you when I’m not with you!”

 

“You don’t miss me, you’re just horny.”

 

Rafael walked around the desk. He went to the coffee table where he had a bunch of files spread out. He could practically feel Sonny’s eyes on him.

 

“Everything about you turns me on, okay? Even your walk turns me on.”

 

Rafael chuckled. “My walk?” If he purposefully turned his back to Sonny and walked away, who was to say?

 

Sonny groaned. “Mmm, that ass, baby. What I couldn’t do for that ass.”

 

“You are in a mood,” Rafael said over his shoulder.

 

Sonny hopped off the desk. “I guess I can wait ‘til tonight. We can go to a nice dinner, I can show you the town, then I can...” Sonny winked. “Y’know.”

 

“Dios mio,” Rafael replied.

 

Sonny stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around Rafael’s hips. He kissed the back of Rafael’s neck. Rafael tried not to shiver.

 

“Love you,” Sonny whispered.

 

“I love you, too. Now go back to work, please. Make some money so you can support me when I’m old.”

 

Rafael doesn’t always realize what he’s saying or what a big deal ‘future-talk’ is. But it made Sonny squeeze him tighter and plant another kiss on his neck.

 

“I’ll support you, Rafi. I’ll take care of you.”

 

“I know you will,” Rafael said, trying not to smile.

 

He needed to let Sonny go, make him go back to work, but he didn’t want to lose Sonny’s arms around him. For a second, he kept sorting files and papers with Sonny’s arms around him.

 

Finally, or unfortunately, Sonny let go.

 

“Guess I’d better go make those big bucks,” Sonny said.

 

“I guess you’d better.”

 

Sonny kissed Rafael quickly. Then he added, “I’ll see you later.”

 

Rafael kissed him again. Then he said, “See you.”

 

Sonny kissed Rafael again. “I don’t know what else to say,” he said next.

 

Rafael kissed him back. “This could go on all day.”

 

Sonny kissed him once more. “That’ll be awkward in court.”

 

Rafael kissed him one last time. “A good show for the gallery.”

 

Sonny kissed him; this time it was the last time. “It’s no belt around the neck, but—“

 

Rafael pushed him away. “Why do you have to bring that up so often?”

 

“It kills me every single day that I didn’t see that.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Okay, go. I have work to do and you’re distracting me.”

 

“Alright fine,” Sonny said, kissing Rafael’s cheek. “Love you.”

 

“I love you too. Now go!”

 

Sonny stepped over to the door. “Don’t miss me too much.”

 

“Oh, I won’t,” Rafael said.

 

Sonny unlocked, then walked out the door.

 

Rafael instantly missed him.

 


	13. “Fine. I’m jealous.”

Rafael was not, NOT, the jealous type. He never had been. He had his own share of lovers that made it impossible for him to judge or be upset by his significant other’s. Even when he was younger, college time, when games using other people were pretty prominent in relationship, he didn’t get jealous.

 

Sonny was a jealous one, but it was more jokingly and he was more open about it. Like joking about wanting to burn the Red Sox shirt in Rafael’s closet. Or rolling his eyes when Rita flirted with Rafael. He knew that he was with Rafael and none of the past mattered, but Rafael thought it was just engraved in him to be jealous. He didn’t act on it, not really. He didn’t make a fuss when Rafael had lunch with Rita.

 

No, Rafael was cool and both of them were very open.

 

But that certainly didn’t mean Sonny needed to have lunch with an ex who had just moved to the city. That certainly didn’t mean Sonny needed to show him all the great spots.

 

Maybe it was because he was a man. Maybe because, usually when Sonny mentioned an ex, it was a woman.

 

Maybe it was because the man was also a lawyer. He even also went to Harvard.

 

Maybe it was because the guy’s name was Robbie—short for Roberto—and that was way too close to Rafi.

 

Maybe it was because the motherfucker was also Latino. He was Venezuelan, but still. Latinos were proud of this stuff.

 

Rafael didn’t voice his grievances. He didn’t even admit to himself that he was jealous. He just thought there was something about the situation he didn’t like.

 

Sonny talked and talked about it one night as they were getting ready to sleep. Rafael was reading news on the iPad and Sonny was playing games on his phone, multitasking by talking about his ex. Rafael was multitasking by not listening.

 

“Robbie will be here Saturday, so I thought we’d go to that burger place we like. You know, the one with those big-o’ burgers that you can never finish.”

 

Something irked Rafael about Sonny taking the guy to a burger place they liked.

 

“Robbie’ll finish though, I bet. Dude can eat. I always thought I could eat, ‘cause, like, growing up eating was like a freakin’ Olympic sport. But nah. And Robbie always knew the best places to eat, too. One time when I visited him in Boston—“

 

Something irked Rafael about Sonny going to Boston for some other guy.

 

“We had sushi and sushi and sushi and...” Sonny chuckled. “Let’s just say that’s why I don’t like sushi anymore.”

 

Something irked Rafael about Sonny eating sushi with the other guy.

 

“I even wanna show him my barber. Robbie has really great facial hair and I wanna introduce him to Mikie.”

 

Something irked Rafael about Robbie having “great” facial hair. Rafael did not like that. Sonny liked his facial hair. Maybe he could grow a beard before Robbie arrived. Just to prove a point.

 

“And then Robbie’s gonna come back to Staten Island with me in a few weekends. His parents don’t live there anymore but my parents just love him—“

 

Rafael couldn’t stop himself. Of all the times he’d been to Staten Island, he still felt like Sonny’s parents hated him. That was the final straw. He dropped the iPad on his lap and looked at Sonny.

 

“Okay!” he said.

 

Sonny jumped. “What?”

 

“You’re just going on and on about Robbie and I’m just sitting here...just...just—“

 

Sonny eyed him. “What?”

 

Rafael huffed. “I can grow a beard, you know.”

 

Sonny cracked a smile. Rafael almost pinched him.

 

“Are you jealous?”

 

Rafael lifted his iPad. “I am not jealous.”

 

Sonny poked his belly. “Come on, baby. You can tell me.”

 

“Less and less jealous by the second.”

 

Sonny chuckled. “Look, I wouldn’t have gone on and on about him if I knew it bothered you. Do you not want me to see him?”

 

Rafael sighed and lowered the iPad again. “I can’t tell you not to, Son. I just...I’m not even jealous, okay?”

 

Sonny lifted an eyebrow. Rafael really hated that he’s taught Sonny that look.

 

“Fine,” Rafael said, glaring. “I’m...” He sighed, then whispered, “Jealous.”

 

Sonny was up on his knees facing Rafael immediately. “Baby! Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Because, you know, I don’t do that! I’m not a jealous person! But the thought of you loving someone before me—“

 

“Loving?” Sonny asked. “Who said I loved Robbie?”

 

“Well, you—“

 

Sonny shook his head. “Babe, I can honestly say that if we loved each other and it was some great heartbreak, we wouldn’t talk and hang out. I always think once you move on, you move on. Robbie and I were way better as friends.”

 

“But your parents love him.”

 

“Yeah, ‘cause I knew him for, like, ever. We’ve been friends for a long time. We dated as adults, and sure, my parents were freakin’ thrilled, but...they knew we weren’t really in it. Not as, like, husbands or something.”

 

Rafael sighed. “But your parents...they...I just feel like...they don’t...”

 

“Rafi, they love you. You know that.”

 

“Do I?” Rafael asked, avoiding Sonny’s eyes.

 

“If they didn’t, you wouldn’t ever be invited back. Trust me. And my dad wouldn’t bother to even learn your name. My ma wouldn’t ask what kind of dessert you like. She wouldn’t ask if she could master making a Cuban dish.”

 

Rafael looked up. “She did that?”

 

Sonny nodded. “She did, I swear. I was like, ma, you can’t ruin their culture like that. She gets pissed over canned tomato sauce. But she’s willing to learn for you.”

 

Rafael took a deep breath. “I guess I just thought I was...I don’t know...competing, or something.”

 

Sonny smiled. Rafael wanted to pinch him again.

 

“No, babe, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because if it was a competition, you won a long time ago.”

 

“What?” Rafael asked, confused.

 

“I broke up with Robbie a week after starting SVU. And yeah, I said it was because my job was demanding, and we were in different cities, and it wasn’t working. But I broke up with him because I...” he smiled bashfully. “I liked you.”

 

“You didn’t.”

 

Sonny nodded. “I liked you so much, and I really wanted you to like me. But you didn’t.”

 

“Yes I—“

 

Sonny lifted an eyebrow again.

 

Rafael chuckled. “Okay, I didn’t. Not at first. I didn’t even know you were dating someone when you began.”

 

Sonny shrugged. “I wasn’t very open ‘til I started dating you, huh?”

 

Rafael nodded. Then, a thought crossed his mind. “God, someone was having sex with you when you had that god-awful mustache?”

 

“You really wanna hear about someone having sex with me?”

 

“Okay, shut up,” Rafael said.

 

Sonny reached forward and grabbed Rafael’s hand. “Listen, babe. If you ever feel this way, just tell me. We’ll talk about it. I’ll stop whatever’s bugging you. But really, Robbie and I are just good friends. We always have been. That’s why I’m fine seein’ him, ‘cause it’s not like seein’ an ex, it’s like seein’ an old buddy.”

 

“Who you’ve had sex with.”

 

“Oh, really? Mister ‘Rita-And-I-Didn’t-Date’?”

 

“Alright, that’s fair.”

 

“Anyway, I want you to go to lunch with me and Robbie. You’ll like him.”

 

“I can be persuaded.”

 

Sonny smiled as he leaned in to kiss Rafael.

 

A few days later, they met Robbie for lunch. He was about Rafael’s height, with great hair and facial hair, a style similar to Rafael’s, and was very attractive. Rafael was jealous for about five seconds before Robbie spoke Spanish and Rafael felt more at home. Then, they spent all day driving Sonny crazy by keeping him out of Spanish conversations.

 

Robbie was great, Rafael saw that. And he saw that he and Sonny were very good friends. And he saw, and was glad, that Sonny had someone who cared about him so much.

 

As they walked home, hand in hand, Sonny swinging them between them, Rafael thought about what to say. Should he apologize? Should he tell Sonny that Robbie was great? Should he mention that he was a little bit jealous because the guy was gorgeous?

 

“Hey, thanks for comin’,” Sonny said. “Robbie liked you. He knows you’re right for me.”

 

“You needed an old friend to tell you that?”

 

Sonny chuckled. “No, I know you’re right for me. You don’t have a damn choice.”

 

Rafael pulled Sonny’s hand up to kiss it. “Thank you for inviting me.”

 

Sonny kissed his head. “Thank you for coming. You’re the best.”

 

“I am the best, aren’t I?”

 

“Of course you are. I am too, right?”

 

Rafael grinned. “Eh?”

 

Sonny reached over and pinched him. “What do you mean, ‘eh’?”

 

Rafael laughed. “Of course you’re the best.”

 

“Mmm, that’s what I thought. Best you’ve ever had.”

 

Rafael couldn’t even joke or disagree. He just kissed Sonny’s hand again and listened to him make dinner plans, even though they just ate a massive lunch. But Rafael was happy, because in the end, Sonny had chosen him over every other person in the entire world. And wasn’t that something to make him feel special?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently watched American Crime Story Versace on Netflix and fell in love with Edgar Ramirez. Not as Versace, but like, his real-life. Anyway, inspiration for Robbie came from him. He’s very nice to look at.


	14. “You’re the best boyfriend in the entire world.”

Sonny was, like, an expert in relationships. Not only was he a really good boyfriend in general—good at remembering general and generic relationship things like anniversaries—but he was really good at knowing and reading his partner. He was good at remembering things they love, things they hate, their family, and other specific and important things about them. He was the boy mothers loved and fathers got along with. He was the boy who knew how to make someone happy. 

 

Which was why it was so absurd and terrible that he could not find a one-year anniversary gift for Rafael.

 

When Sonny thought about it, he blanked. It seemed too often that he suddenly had no idea what Rafael liked or didn’t like, what Rafael would appreciate as a gift, or what sounded like a good idea. Sonny hated every thought he had and thought Rafael would hate them even more.

 

One morning at the precinct, two days before their first anniversary and the fancy dinner they were going to have for the occasion, Sonny brainstormed with the only other person available to listen: Rollins. She wasn’t into it, nor did she care, but Sonny rambled on to her anyway. Likewise, she gave suggestions.

 

“How about a book?” Rollins asked noncommittally.

 

“No,” Sonny answered simply.

 

“You’re right. What was I thinking? Barba hates reading.”

 

Sonny glared at her.

 

“How about a new watch?” Rollins asked next.

 

“Nah,” Sonny said. He scrolled on his phone through Amazon looking for “gifts for men”. Most of the items were wallets, kitchen or other cooking gadgets, or knives. None of those felt right to Sonny. Rafael had a nice wallet. He had a ton of cooking gadgets and wouldn’t use what he didn’t have. And what does the man need a knife for?

 

“Cologne?” Rollins asked, clicking around her computer. Sonny had a feeling she was on the same Amazon search.

 

“Rafi doesn’t wear cologne.”

 

Rollins looked up at him over her computer, her eyebrow lifted in a ‘that’s such bullshit’ look.

 

“Fine,” Sonny said, “But he doesn’t like people to know.”

 

“Of all the shit people hide, cologne is not typically one.”

 

“He gets it from somewhere cheap,” Sonny told her, still looking down at his phone.

 

When Rollins didn’t say anything, Sonny looked up. She was giving him a ‘you’ve got to be fucking kidding me’ look now.

 

“What?!” Sonny cried.

 

Rollins shook her head. “Y’all are too fuckin’ pretentious, I swear.”

 

“Hey, he said it, not me. I don’t even wear cologne.”

 

Rollins rolled her eyes, then she looked back at her computer screen.

 

They were silent for a few moments, Sonny wondering if Rafael could use a money clip over wallet or new cuff links. The money clip was knowingly stupid, and the cuff links were unnecessary.

 

Finally, Rollins spoke again. “Y’all are probably pretty vanilla in the sack. Get him something you can both use. If you know what I mean.”

 

Sonny didn’t look at her, but he grinned. “You wanna hear vanilla?”

 

“Now I didn’t say—“

 

“‘Cause I can definitely list all the ‘vanilla’” —vanilla was in air-quotes— “shit we’ve tried.”

 

“Jesus Christ—“

 

Sonny smiled wider. “Just saying, something to do with sex isn’t going to be the case.”

 

Sonny didn’t hear anyone behind him until he heard in a very distinct Rafael-voice, “In a sex crimes unit? How highly unlikely.”

 

Shocked, Sonny whirled around in his chair as quickly as he could.

 

“How long have you been standing there?” Sonny asked.

 

“Just long enough to wonder why you’re not working on a case but still talking about sex with Rollins.”

 

Rollins spoke before Sonny could. “God, not sex with me—“

 

“Shut up,” Sonny said over his shoulder to her.

 

Rafael looked confused. “Do I even want to know?” he asked.

 

“Probably not,” Sonny answered.

 

“Mmm,” Rafael sighed. “Well, hello,” he said next, before leaning in to give Sonny a quick kiss. “And goodbye. I’m just here to pick up Liv for lunch.”

 

“Wait, you’re goin’ to lunch with Liv?”

 

“Yes, I just said—“

 

Sonny frowned.

 

“What?” Rafael asked.

 

“We haven’t had lunch all week.”

 

“We’ve been busy all week.”

 

“Yeah, and today we’re not, so I thought—“

 

“I just thought lunch plans were different because I go home to you.”

 

Sonny frowned even more. Tonight, he knew their time would be cut short or completely nonexistent because Sonny had to go to his own apartment to get clothes. He could just do laundry. But that would still take time away from hanging out with Rafael.

 

“I’m going to have lunch,” Rafael said, snapping Sonny out of his thoughts. “I’ll see you at home.” He kissed Sonny’s forehead, then left to go to Liv’s office.

 

Why did it hurt Sonny so much every time Rafael said ‘home’? Rafael’s apartment was home, it was always home, but it was still Rafael’s apartment. Sonny had one he was paying for. Sonny had an apartment that had most of his stuff, but he rarely slept in it. Most nights they slept in Rafael’s home.

 

Sonny spent the rest of the quiet afternoon trying to think of the perfect gift. He was beginning to think there was no such thing. He was beginning to think his anniversary was doomed because he couldn’t think of something to give Rafael.

 

Days passed and Sonny still didn’t have a gift. The morning of their anniversary, when they planned to have a big fancy dinner at a big fancy restaurant, Sonny was out of ideas. He settled for a pointless watch that he dragged Rollins to pick out with him.

 

“Just get one and let’s go,” she said, not even looking at the cases of jewelry.

 

“Might as well, it’s not like a watch is my idea of a thoughtful gift anyway.”

 

Rollins groaned. “You’re thinking way too much about this.”

 

“Because I want it to be perfect.”

 

“And what do you think he’s gonna get you?”

 

Sonny shrugged. “He could get me anything and I’d be happy.”

 

“See? He’s probably thinkin’ the same thing.”

 

Sonny didn’t feel any better.

 

Rollins patted his shoulder. “Look, get him the watch, don’t get him the watch, just be happy with it. It’s thoughtful, he likes watches, it’ll be good.”

 

Sonny bought the watch, but he didn’t like it. His heart wasn’t in it. He thought maybe he could make up for such a crappy gift with some really good sex later that night.

 

Around five o’clock, Sonny left the precinct with his shitty gift. He walked to Rafael’s, hoping to get a shower and change before he meeting Rafael for dinner. He was glad he grabbed his nice suit a few days before when he went to his apartment, because he didn’t want to have to go to his apartment before meeting Rafael.

 

Sonny sulked and thought about how much easier it would be to just live with Rafael. But they had hardly ever talked about it. Sure, there was a mutual agreement that they’d be together forever, and most of Sonny’s stuff was at Rafael’s apartment, but still, it was Rafael’s home. He just slept in it sometimes.

 

Sonny finally got home—to Rafael’s—and was surprised to smell food immediately upon entering. He couldn’t tell what it was, it was unfamiliar, but it was a smell.

 

“Baby?” Sonny called into the apartment. “Rafi?”

 

Rafael rounded the corner from the kitchen to the entry. “Hey, honey. I, uh, I wanted to surprise you, but you’re early.”

 

Confused, Sonny followed Rafael into the kitchen. “What’s goin’ on?”

 

“Well, don’t be mad, but I cancelled our reservation and thought maybe I’d just cook for you.”

 

Sonny was so shocked he couldn’t speak. Rafael did his fair share of cooking and general housework, but it was usually Sonny they did things unprompted. It was a nice and pleasant surprise that Rafael decided to cook. So romantic, too. What more could Sonny ask for for their anniversary than a quiet night with Rafael?

 

Rafael stepped behind him and kissed the back of his neck. “Happy Anniversary, mi amor. One whole year being stuck to me.”

 

“Like glue,” Sonny muttered. “How...when did you have time—“

 

“I left work early. Didn’t have much to do today. I really wanted to surprise you. What do you think?”

 

Sonny lifted an arm so Rafael could slip under it. “It smells delicious. What is it?”

 

“One of my favorite dishes from childhood. You’ll love it. I did tone down the spice though, because of that one time I made spaghetti and it was too spicy.”

 

Sonny chuckled. “Gee, thanks:”

 

Rafael bounced up on the balls of his feet and poked a kiss to Sonny’s jaw.

 

“Well, let me get a shower,” Sonny said. “Then I’ll—“

 

“Wait, I can’t wait. Part of the reason I decided to stay in tonight is because I want to give you your gift.”

 

Sonny’s stomach dropped. He didn’t want to exchange gifts yet when his sucked.

 

“Uh...okay.”

 

Rafael dragged Sonny over to the dining table, then pushed him gently to sit down. Sonny was confused. Rafael didn’t have a box or bag.

 

“Okay, full disclosure, it’s not really a gift. It’s something I should have done a long time ago. And now this is just the occasion to do so.”

 

Holy shit, Sonny thought, his stomach dropping to his knees. Was Rafael going to freakin’ propose?

 

“Uh, Rafi...” Sonny mumbled before he could stop himself.

 

“And it’s not something physical, not exactly. It’s more like a promise. A...a question.”

 

Sonny swallowed roughly. He held his breath.

 

“Let’s start looking for a house together.”

 

Sonny breathed out. “What?”

 

“I want to look for a house together. I mean, if you want to. I should have asked you a long time ago to move in with me. But you and I both know we say this is my apartment. I want us to live in our apartment, wherever that may be.”

 

Sonny’s heart was beating very quickly. He was relieved and also thrilled. Having a place with Rafael was a dream come true.

 

“Jesus, Rafi—“

 

“Unless,” Rafael said, shrugging. “I didn’t get to an ‘unless’. If you don’t want to, we can—“

 

Sonny grabbed his hands. “Baby! Of course I want to! I’m just surprised!”

 

“I know we should have talked about it more, and it’s not like I’ve sold my apartment or you’ve sold yours, so we don’t have to—“

 

Sonny squeezes his fingers. “Rafi, I would love to. I would love to live with you. I really, really want to. You have no idea.”

 

Rafael smiled. “Really?”

 

“Of course. Seriously, it would be so much easier if all my suits were in one place.”

 

Rafael laughed. “Seriously? That’s why we should move in together?”

 

Sonny laughed back as he stood. He wrapped his long arms around Rafael’s neck.

 

“You’re makin’ me dinner, you said we are gonna move in together...” Sonny kissed Rafael’s head. “You’re, like, the best boyfriend in the entire world.”

 

“That’s impossible to know,” Rafael argued, “Are you dating every man in the world?”

 

Sonny laughed. “No, but I have a hunch you’re the best.” He kissed Rafael’s head again, then his cheek, then lips.

 

Rafael smiled into the kiss.

 

Sonny hugged Rafael tight when the kiss over. Then, he muttered, “And here I just got you a watch.”

 

Rafael pulled back. “You did? That’s actually perfect. My watch face cracked and I didn’t want to have to buy another one!”

 

“How fortunate!” Sonny said, partly sarcastic.

 

Rafael smiled. He looked up and kissed Sonny’s chin. “You really want to move in together?”

 

“Like we haven’t practically been living together this whole time.”

 

“But officially. Both of our names on the lease.”

 

Sonny kissed him on the lips. “You have no idea how bad I want that.”

 

Rafael smiled. “Then let’s eat to celebrate.”

 

“Do we have anything good to drink? Champagne maybe?”

 

Rafael went to the fridge. “I got a nice red, will that do?”

 

“That sounds great. Let it breathe while I jump in the shower.”

 

Rafael nodded and took the bottle out of the refrigerator.

 

Before Sonny could get far, he turned back and went to Rafael again. Rafael looked up at him.

 

“Happy anniversary, Rafi. This year has been the best of my entire life.”

 

Rafael smiled widely, a smile Sonny never wanted to see disappear. “Mine too, Sonny. Many more to come.”

 

Sonny kissed him quickly, then let go to take his shower, the start of a great anniversary night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! This concludes my very late Valentine story. Thank you for going on this ride with me, for reading, for commenting, for liking. I miss writing and I’ve felt too busy in the past months to do it, but I’m glad I managed to (late) finish this. Thank you!


End file.
